The Great Mommy Meltdown of 2015: March 3, 2015

Pictures don't lie, so I'll let them tell the story of what's been going on with me.  In early January I was one sick Momma.  We didn't know what was wrong, but it was getting rapidly worse and we were scared.  For a long time I was feeling like everything about life was getting harder.  Everything from taking care of the kids to housework to eating healthy and exercising seemed to take more and more effort.  I kept getting sick, and feeling like every time I did I wouldn't fully recover. 

When I looked in the mirror I saw someone that was tired and sad.  I didn't feel like myself, and every month I looked a little less like myself.  My hair was changing color and falling out.  I smelled like I'd just run a marathon, even after taking a shower.  I'd have strange and sudden acne flares after decades of pretty good skin.  My face and body were swollen and my weight was going up despite making gradual healthy changes to my diet.  Looking back now I'm surprised it took me so long to realize that something was seriously wrong with me, but for a long time I just thought I was suffering from mom stress and letting myself get a little run down.  I mean, what mom doesn't complain of occasional brain fog that causes her to leave the car keys in the fridge and carry the milk to the car, or a body that doesn't look or act quite like it used to after having three kids? 

Christmas was a turning point.  I looked at the pictures and cried.  This wasn't what I wanted for myself and for my family.  I looked like I was hiding in the background and not fully able to participate in my life.  I looked sick. 

In January my body systems went completely offline.  My face and body would swell up at odd times.  I lost my ability to sleep for more than an hour at a time.  My heart pounded constantly and my pulse was rapid.  My joints were stiff and my hands trembled all the time.  I felt hypoglycemic and too sick to eat.  I had panic attacks even though I wasn't feeling anxious about anything.  I cried even though I didn't know what I was sad about.

Doctor's appointments I'd made finally came.  Blood tests were ordered.  Prescriptions were issued.  There was a newborn in the house and the newborn was me.  Everything revolved around my schedule: my early morning nap, my mid-morning meal of apples and peanut butter, my late morning nap, my lunch of raw veggies and lean chicken.  My morning vitamins and afternoon vitamin booster powder and my evening vitamins.  My nightly liver detox bath and my essential oils. 

"You know," I told Craig as January came to a close, "I think I feel a little better.  I think I look a little better, too."  February 2nd was a turning point.  Suddenly my symptoms started switching off.  I woke up that morning and realized that I wasn't sweating and the smell was gone.  Feeling encouraged, I carried my stinky clothes downstairs to wash and noticed that my hands were steadier and my feet didn't hurt.  It was the first time in months that I finally had hope that my health was improving.

Our home became a protective cocoon and we curled up in it.  We focused on keeping my morale high and my stress level as low as possible.  We played worship music on Pandora constantly to keep my thoughts positive and focused on Jesus my healer.  We spent our time on things that made us happy instead of things we needed to get accomplished.  We stayed off facebook and isolated ourselves from any kind of conflict.  Isis who?  What great vaccination debate?  We ignored the outside world, rested, and prayed for health. 

"You know," I told Craig, "I think I really AM starting to feel better!" By mid-February I was definitely on the mend.  My acne cleared up and my skin went through a massive renewal phase.  Even scars that had persisted for years were suddenly healing.  My muscles ached pleasantly after exercise and felt stronger after a workout instead of weaker.  I slept for two hours at a time... then three... then six.  My puffiness went down daily and the alarming number on the scale started to creep down... and down.  I added collagen supplements to my daily regimen to minimize the Al Roker post-weight-loss droopy look. 

 My body was a lava lamp, with odd bulges rising and falling as the months reversed and I started resembling the person I used to see in the mirror.  Every day I looked a bit different and a little bit better. And then my hair started to grow back!!!  The weird, brittle, translucent hairs fell out on my brush even as new normal hairs in my old color started to sprout, wild and fuzzy and unruly. 

So this is me at the beginning of March.  A month ago I was hypertensive, had a resting heart rate of 90 beats per minute, had pre-diabetic blood sugar issues, and was too much of a mental space case to read a grocery list and put everything on it into a cart.  Now my heart rate and blood pressure are normal, I have no blood sugar issues if I'm careful about what and when I eat, and I feel mentally "all there."  I'm still recovering, but judging from how very long I've been sick I can't expect things to happen too fast.

So what was the official diagnosis? 

As far as we can tell, I've had a cortisol imbalance for a long time. Cortisol, the body's stress hormone, is controlled by the adrenal system and helps regulate metabolism, sleep cycles, female hormones, and the immune system.  If the body's levels become thrown off due to stress, pain, or illness, a person can go pretty loopy.  And it's not like I've had any stress in the past few years, right?  Three babies in two years... two moves in three years....  Life has been crazy, and I've done my best to weather the storms and power through, sometimes running on pure adrenaline to keep my family safe and functioning.  The problem is, the human body is only designed to run on adrenaline for a little while.  As my imbalance got worse, my physical condition became more run down, making it harder for me to do life and therefore requiring even more adrenaline to just function normally.  The stress became the stress.

I got bronchitis in April of 2014, three months after moving to Maryland, and was put on a short course of prednisone.  This caused an extremely rare condition called Drug-Induced Cushing's Syndrome.  Steroids raise the body's cortisol levels to help fight inflammation, and my cortisol levels were already way out of whack.  My body responded to the meds by kicking into hypergear and giving me a cortisol response strong enough to cause all the symptoms of years of steroid use in a very short time.  Enter the upper body weight gain, poor muscle tone, bad skin, hair loss, poor kidney function, and other mood and memory symptoms.  The symptoms worsened gradually for months until the Great Mommy Meltdown of 2015.

Pictures don't lie.  I'm getting healthy again, and I'm so, so happy.  I revel in calm that doesn't take effort.  My body doesn't run on adrenaline anymore, but on food and water and enough rest and prayer and health. I'm in my family pictures participating in my life, and not hiding in the background wondering who I am.

Actually, that's a very good question.  Who am I?  I have a vague sense that I was this person, and then being sick for so long made me a different person.  I also see my recovery as me becoming someone entirely new, not just going back to my old self.  God's plan for me was and is perfect.  The last few years have held many, many good things.  I'm not trying to turn back the clock, but rather to move forward.  A dear, new Maryland friend helped me to put this in perspective.  

"I'm looking forward to meeting you as you really are!"

I feel the same way about myself.